Monty Python's 'Life of Brian' Script Part 1

[Scene 1] [Scene 2] [Scene 3] [Scene 4] [Scene 5]
[Scene 6] [Scene 7] [Scene 8] [Scene 9] [Scene 10]


Monty Python's Life of Brian - (c) 1979 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.

The Cast: (in order of appearance)

WISE MAN #1 John Cleese
WISE MAN #2 Graham Chapman
WISE MAN #3 Michael Palin
SINGER Sonia Jones
BRIAN COHEN Graham Chapman
MR. BIG NOSE Michael Palin
MRS. BIG NOSE Gwen Taylor
GREGORY Terence Bayler
MRS. GREGORY Carol Cleveland
MR. CHEEKY Eric Idle
MAN #1 Charles McKeown
MAN #2 Terry Gilliam
JUDITH Sue Jones-Davis
REG John Cleese
FRANCIS Michael Palin
STONE HELPER #1 Bernard McKenna
STONE HELPER #2 Andrew MacLachlan
WOMAN #1 Carol Cleveland
MRS. A. Michael Palin
EX-LEPER Michael Palin
ANNOUNCER Michael Palin
WARRIS Eric Idle
JAILER Terry Gilliam
BEN Michael Palin
GUARD #1 Bernard McKenna
GUARD #2 Andrew MacLachlan
GUARD #3 Chris Langham
GUARD #4 Charles McKeown
PASSER-BY Charles Knode
BURT John Case
SERGEANT Bernard McKenna
COLIN Terry Jones
DENNIS Terence Bayler
ELSIE Carol Cleveland
EDDIE Michael Palin
ARTHUR John Cleese
FRANK Terry Gilliam
GIRL Gwen Taylor
YOUTH Eric Idle
SPIKE Spike Milligan
BLIND MAN Charles McKeown
MR. PAPADOPOULOS George Harrison
BIGGUS DICKUS Graham Chapman
NISUS WETTUS Michael Palin
PARVUS Bernard McKenna
ALFONSO Chris Langham
OTTO Eric Idle

Scene 1

[holy music]


WISE MAN #1: Ahem.

MANDY COHEN: Ohhh! [whump] Who are you?

WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.

MANDY: What?!

WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.

MANDY: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

WISE MAN #3: We are astrologers.

WISE MAN #1: We have come from the East.

MANDY: Is this some kind of joke?

WISE MAN #2: We wish to praise the infant.

WISE MAN #1: We must pay homage to him.

MANDY: Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!

WISE MAN #1: No--

MANDY: Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!

WISE MAN #2: No, no. We must see him.

MANDY: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

WISE MAN #2: We--

WISE MAN #1: We were led by a star.

MANDY: Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!

WISE MAN #1: Well-- well, we must see him. We have brought presents.


WISE MAN #2: Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.

MANDY: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. --- Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

WISE MAN #3: It is a valuable balm.

MANDY: A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.

WISE MAN #3: What?

MANDY: That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.

WISE MAN #1: No, it isn't.

MANDY: Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...

WISE MAN #3: No, no, no. It is an ointment.

MANDY: Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?

WISE MAN #2: Hmm?

MANDY: What star sign is he?

WISE MAN #2: Uh, Capricorn.

MANDY: Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

WISE MAN #2: Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah.

WISE MAN #1: King of the Jews.

MANDY: And that's Capricorn, is it?

WISE MAN #2: Uh, no, no, no. That's just him.

MANDY: Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.' [sniff]

WISE MAN #1: By what name are you calling him?

MANDY: Uh, 'Brian'.

WISE MEN: We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

MANDY: Do you do a lot of this, then?

WISE MAN #2: What?

MANDY: This praising.

WISE MAN #2: No, no. No, no.

MANDY: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.

[WISE MEN leave]

MANDY: Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.

[WISE MEN return and grab presents]

MANDY: Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.


[holy music]

BABY BRIAN: [crying]

MANDY: Shut up. [smack]

[Catoon Opening Credits]

SINGER: Brian. The babe they called 'Brian',
He grew,... grew, grew, and grew--
Grew up to be-- grew up to be
A boy called 'Brian'--
A boy called 'Brian'.
He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet,
This boy... whose name was 'Brian',
And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew--
Grew up to be--

Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called 'Brian'--
A teenager called 'Brian',
And his face became spotty.
Yes, his face became spotty,
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and so
He was certainly no--
No girl named 'Brian',
Not a girl named 'Brian'.

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed,
A man called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'--
The man they called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'!

[Back to the top]

Scene 2


JESUS CHRIST: How blest are those who know that He's a god. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.

RANDOM: [cough cough]

JESUS: They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God...

MANDY: Speak up!

MAN: Shh.

BRIAN: Quiet, Mum.

JESUS: How blest are those of gentle...

MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing.

JESUS: ...spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession.

MANDY: Let's go t' the stoning.

JESUS: How blest are those...


JESUS: ...who hunger and thirst...

BRIAN: You can go to a stoning any time.

JESUS: see right...

MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian.

JESUS: ...prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE: Will you be quiet?!

JESUS: How blest are they who have suffered much...

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't pick your nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

MRS. BIG NOSE: You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

MR. CHEEKY: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

MR. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.

MR. BIG NOSE: Don't you swear at my wife.

MR. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!

MR. CHEEKY: Well, he has got a big nose.

GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please?

JESUS: They shall have the earth...

GREGORY: What was that?

JESUS: ...for their possession. How blest are those...

MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

JESUS: ...who hunger and thirst to see...

MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'

JESUS: ...right prevail.

MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

MR. CHEEKY: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

JESUS: How blest are those who...

MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.


MR. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'

BRIAN: Oh, lay off him.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

MR. BIG NOSE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Language!

JESUS: ...hunger and thirst to see...

MRS. BIG NOSE: And don't pick your nose.

JESUS: ...right prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!

MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY: The Greek?

MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY: Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE: You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE: I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE: Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

MR. CHEEKY: Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!

MAN #1 and

MAN #2: Shhh.

MR. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?

MR. BIG NOSE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.

MRS. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down.



[MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight]



MR. BIG NOSE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...


MR. BIG NOSE: Break it up-- oh. Oh!

MANDY: Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.

BRIAN: All right.


FRANCIS: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG: Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

BRIAN: All right.

MR. CHEEKY: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.

[Back to the top]

Scene 3

MANDY: Ohh, I hate wearing these beards.

BRIAN: Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum?

MANDY: It's written. That's why.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Pssst! Beard, madam?

DONKEY OWNER: Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no stonings. He's not well again.
[hee-haw hee-haw]


MANDY: Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.

MANDY: Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and... a big flat one.

BRIAN: Could I have a flat one, Mum?


BRIAN: Sorry. Dad.

MANDY: Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.

MANDY: Hehh?


MANDY: Oh, good.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Enjoy yourselves.

[Back to the top]

Scene 4

CROWD OF WOMEN: [yelling]

JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.

MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'?



OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer...

CROWD: Ooooh!

OFFICIAL: are to be stoned to death.


MATTHIAS: Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!

OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!

WOMAN #1: Really!


OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today?

CROWD: No. No. No. No...

OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--


MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we'd started.

OFFICIAL: Go to the back.


OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!

OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself!

MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more... [MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]

Right. Who threw that?

MATTHIAS: [laughing]


OFFICIAL: Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

OFFICIAL: Was it you?

MRS. A.: Yes.


MRS. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!

[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Ooooooh!...


WOMAN #1: Good shot!

[clap clap clap]

[Back to the top]

Scene 5


BRIAN: Have I got a big nose, Mum?

MANDY: Oh, stop thinking about sex.

BRIAN: I wasn't.

MANDY: You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it too small?'

LEPER #1: Spare a shekel.

LEPER #2: God bless you, sir.

LEPER #3: Alms for a leper.

LEPER #4: Alms for a leper.

EX-LEPER: Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MANDY: Buzz off!

EX-LEPER: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MANDY: A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.

EX-LEPER: Half a talent, then.

MANDY: No, go away!

EX-LEPER: Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle.

BRIAN: What?

EX-LEPER: All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred.


EX-LEPER: Seventeen-fifty?

MANDY: Go away!

EX-LEPER: Seventeen-forty.

MANDY: Look. Will you leave him alone?

EX-LEPER: All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

MANDY: Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!

EX-LEPER: All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.

BRIAN: Did you say... 'ex-leper'?

EX-LEPER: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.

BRIAN: Well, what happened?

EX-LEPER: I was cured, sir.

BRIAN: Cured?

EX-LEPER: Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.

BRIAN: Who cured you?

EX-LEPER: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.'.... Bloody do-gooder.

BRIAN: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?

EX-LEPER: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--

MANDY: Brian! Come and clean your room out.

BRIAN: There you are.

EX-LEPER: Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?

BRIAN: There's no pleasing some people.

EX-LEPER: That's just what Jesus said, sir.

[Back to the top]

Scene 6

MANDY: Oh. OFFICER: Good afternoon.

MANDY: Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear?

BRIAN: What's he doing here?

MANDY: Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.

BRIAN: Bloody Romans.

MANDY: Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it.

BRIAN: We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

MANDY: Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian?

BRIAN: What do you mean?

MANDY: Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh...

BRIAN: My nose?

MANDY: Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.

BRIAN: What is it?

MANDY: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but...

BRIAN: What?

MANDY: Well, Brian,... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

BRIAN: I never thought he was.

MANDY: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

BRIAN: You mean... you were raped?

MANDY: Well, at first, yes.

BRIAN: Who was it?

MANDY: Heh. Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aquaduct.

BRIAN: The bastard!

MANDY: Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody Romans', don't forget you're one of them.

BRIAN: I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it! [slam]

MANDY: Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer?

[Back to the top]

Scene 7


[clap clap clap]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.

BRIAN: Want some...

VOICE: Thank you, fellows.

BRIAN: Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.

JUDITH: I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.

REG: Agreed. Francis?

FRANCIS: Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--

STAN: Or woman.

FRANCIS: Or woman... to rid himself--

STAN: Or herself.

FRANCIS: Or herself.

REG: Agreed.

FRANCIS: Thank you, brother.

STAN: Or sister.

FRANCIS: Or sister. Where was I?

REG: I think you'd finished.

FRANCIS: Oh. Right.

REG: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--

STAN: Or woman.

REG: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.

STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

FRANCIS: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

STAN: I want to be one.

REG: What?

STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.

REG: What?!

LORETTA: It's my right as a man.

JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

LORETTA: I want to have babies.

REG: You want to have babies?!

LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

REG: But... you can't have babies.

LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.

REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! -- Where's the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!

LORETTA: [crying]

JUDITH: Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.

FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.

REG: What's the point?


REG: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!

FRANCIS: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

REG: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.


[clap clap clap]

GUARD: Get out there.

BORIS: It's, um--

GUARD: Get out there.

BORIS: It's dangerous out there. Ah ah. Ah! Oh.

[clap clap clap]



CROWD: Aaah. Ohh...

SPECTATOR: What a load of rubbish.

BRIAN: Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens.

REG: Got any nuts?

BRIAN: I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens--

REG: No, no, no.

BRIAN: Otters' noses?

REG: I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.

JUDITH: Why don't you sell proper food?

BRIAN: Proper food?

REG: Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits.

BRIAN: Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

REG: All right. Bag of otters' noses, then.

FRANCIS: Make it two.

REG: Two.

FRANCIS: Thanks, Reg.

BRIAN: Are you the Judean People's Front?

REG: Fuck off!

BRIAN: What?

REG: Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Cawk.

FRANCIS: Wankers.

BRIAN: Can I... join your group?

REG: No. Piss off.

BRIAN: I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

PEOPLE'S FRONT OF JUDEA: Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.

REG: Stumm.

JUDITH: Are you sure?

BRIAN: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

REG: Listen. If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.

BRIAN: I do!

REG: Oh, yeah? How much?

BRIAN: A lot!

REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.

P.F.J.: Yeah...

JUDITH: Splitters.

P.F.J.: Splitters...

FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People's Front.

P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...

LORETTA: And the People's Front of Judea.

P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...

REG: What?

LORETTA: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.

REG: We're the People's Front of Judea!

LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

REG: People's Front! C-huh.

FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

REG: He's over there.

P.F.J.: Splitter!

GOLIATH: [pant pant pant] Ooh. Ooh. I-- I think I'm about to have a... cardiac arrest. Ooh. Ooh.

SPECTATOR: Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.

CROWD: [cheering]

REG: Yes, brother! Ha ha. What's your name?

BRIAN: Brian. Brian Cohen.

REG: We may have a little job for you, Brian.

[Back to the top]

Scene 8

[scary music]

CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?

BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.

CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!



BRIAN: 'R-- Romanus'?

CENTURION: Goes like...?

BRIAN: 'Annus'?

CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?

BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'?

CENTURION: 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?

BRIAN: 'Go'. Let--

CENTURION: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.

BRIAN: Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.

CENTURION: So 'eunt' is...?

BRIAN: Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.

CENTURION: But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?

BRIAN: The... imperative!

CENTURION: Which is...?

BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!

CENTURION: How many Romans?

BRIAN: Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.


BRIAN: Ah. Eh.



CENTURION: Nominative?


CENTURION: 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?

BRIAN: Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!

CENTURION: Except that 'domus' takes the...?

BRIAN: The locative, sir!

CENTURION: Which is...?!

BRIAN: 'Domum'.


BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.

CENTURION: 'Um'. Understand?

BRIAN: Yes, sir.

CENTURION: Now, write it out a hundred times.

BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

CENTURION: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm! Finished!

ROMAN SOLDIER STIG: Right. Now don't do it again.


MAN: Hey! Bloody Romans.

The COMPLETE Latin lessonin .wav format

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Scene 9

FRANCIS: We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

COMMANDO XERXES: What exactly are the demands?

REG: We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

MATTHIAS: Cut her head off?

FRANCIS: Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

REG: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

COMMANDOS: No blackmail!

REG: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

LORETTA: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG: Yeah.

LORETTA: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

XERXES: The aquaduct?

REG: What?

XERXES: The aquaduct

REG: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3: And the sanitation.

LORETTA: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

REG: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

MATTHIAS: And the roads.

REG: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads--

COMMANDO: Irrigation.

XERXES: Medicine.

COMMANDOS: Huh? Heh? Huh...

COMMANDO #2: Education.


REG: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1: And the wine.

COMMANDOS: Oh, yes. Yeah...

FRANCIS: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

COMMANDO: Public baths.

LORETTA: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

FRANCIS: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.

COMMANDOS: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

XERXES: Brought peace.

REG: Oh. Peace? Shut up!

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[bam bam bam bam bam]

MATTHIAS: I am a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent, and--

JUDITH: It's all right, Matthias.

MATTHIAS: It's all clear.

JUDITH: Well, where's Reg?

FRANCIS: Oh, Reg. Reg, it's Judith.

REG: What went wrong?

JUDITH: The first blow has been struck!

REG: Did he finish the slogan?

JUDITH: A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace!

REG: Oh, great. Great. We-- we need doers in our movement, Brian, but... before you join us, know this: there is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.

COMMANDO: Uhh. Well, one.

REG: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one, but otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?


REG: From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian'. Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.

FRANCIS: Right. This is the plan...

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Scene 10

FRANCIS: Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street, under cover of night, and make our way to the northwestern main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. -- Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back.

BRIAN: Aren't you going to come with us?

REG: Solidarity, brother.

BRIAN: Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.

FRANCIS: Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar-Augustus memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong.

[chink chink chink]

[thuk thuk chink chink chink chink chink]

[thump thump thump thump]

[suspenseful music]



DEADLY DIRK: Campaign for Free Galilee.

FRANCIS: Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.


FRANCIS: What's your group doing here?

DEADLY DIRK: We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

FRANCIS: So are we.


FRANCIS: That's our plan!

DEADLY DIRK: We were here first!

FRANCIS: What do you mean?!

DEADLY DIRK: We thought of it first!

WARRIS: Oh, yeah?

DEADLY DIRK: Yes, a couple of years ago!

P.F.J.: Ha. Heh. Ha ha.


FRANCIS: Okay, c-- co-- come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?

DEADLY DIRK: 'Course we have.

FRANCIS: What are they?

DEADLY DIRK: Well, I'm not telling you.

P.F.J.: Aghhh...

FRANCIS: Oh, come on. Pull the other one.

P.F.J.: Shh!

DEADLY DIRK: That's not the point! We thought of it before you!

WARRIS: Did not.


FRANCIS: You didn't.

C.F.G.: We bloody did!

BRIAN: Shhhh!

P.F.J.: Shhhhh! Shh.

DEADLY DIRK: You bastards! We've been planning this for months.

FRANCIS: Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. Oh! Oh.

RANDOM: All right.

WARRIS: Clever. You sly...

BRIAN: Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!

FRANCIS: We are! Ohh.

BRIAN: We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!

EVERYONE: The Judean People's Front?!

BRIAN: No, no! The Romans!

EVERYONE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

FRANCIS: Yeah. He's right.

RANDOM: Look out!

RANDOM: Careful.


DEADLY DIRK: Right! Where were we?

FRANCIS: Uhh, you were going to punch me.

DEADLY DIRK: Oh, yeah.

[C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight]

BRIAN: Brothers! [whop] Oof!

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