Monty Python and the Holy Grail Script Part 1
| [Scene 1] | [Scene 2] | [Scene 3] | [Scene 4] |
| [Scene 5] | [Scene 6] | [Scene 7] | [Scene 8] |
PATSY Terry Gilliam
SOLDIER #1 Michael Palin
SOLDIER #2 John Cleese
CART-MASTER Eric Idle
CUSTOMER John Cleese
DEAD PERSON John Young
DENNIS Michael Palin
WOMAN Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT John Cleese
GREEN KNIGHT Terry Gilliam
VILLAGER #1 Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 Michael Palin
SIR BEDEVERE Terry Jones
WITCH Connie Booth
VILLAGER #3 John Cleese
VILLAGER #4 Neil Innes
NARRATOR Michael Palin
SIR LAUNCELOT John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN Eric Idle
PRISONER Mark Zycon
MAN Neil Innes
GOD Graham Chapman
FRENCH GUARD John Cleese
HISTORIAN John Young
KNIGHT John Cleese
HISTORIAN'S WIFE Rita Davies
MINSTREL Neil Innes
LEFT HEAD Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD Michael Palin
ZOOT Carol Cleveland
PIGLET Avril Stewart
WINSTON Sally Kinghorn
DINGO Carol Cleveland
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER Terry Gilliam
TIM THE ENCHANTER John Cleese
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI Michael Palin
CARTOON CHARACTER Terry Jones
FATHER Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT Terry Jones
GUARD #1 Eric Idle
GUARD #2 Graham Chapman
CONCORDE Eric Idle
GUEST #1 Michael Palin
GUEST #2 Michael Palin
OLD CRONE Bee Duffell
ROGER THE SHRUBBER Eric Idle
RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG Himself
BORS Terry Gilliam
BROTHER MAYNARD Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER Michael Palin
ANIMATOR Terry Gilliam
Scene 1
[wind] [clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN:Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right. [clop clop]
Scene 3
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry.
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! ....If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. .....
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste.
WOMAN: No one lives there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you hear that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
Scene 4
[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats another knight in a bloody battle as Arthur watches]
ARTHUR:You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off after a short battle]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!
Scene 5
[Monks chanting and hitting themselves over the head, leading to........]
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt?
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Uhhh, gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
[yelling]
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
Scene 6
LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh!
[cut to knights singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is a silly place. Right.
Scene 7
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry!!
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing now!?
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea!
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!
Scene 8
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hello! Hello!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round
Table. Who's castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I fart in your general direction! . Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: Fetche lavache!
GUARD: Quoi?
GUARD: Fetche lavache!
[moo!]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[Knights charge]
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twang]
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
[after running away...]
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no no!
BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]
MUTTERING GUARDS: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
BEDEVERE: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger...
[twang]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.