Monty Python and the Holy Grail Script Part 3

[Scene 17] [Scene 18] [Scene 19] [Scene 20]
[Scene 21] [Scene 22] [Scene 23] [Scene 24]

Scene 17


FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.

RANDOM: There he is!

FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.

LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.

[more carnage and mayhem]

FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!

LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.

RANDOM: He's killed the best man!


FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.


RANDOM: He killed my auntie!


FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! ... Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--

RANDOM: He's not quite dead!

FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--

RANDOM: He's getting better!

FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--

[guards kill her father]


RANDOM: Oh, he's died!

FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. [clapping] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot--


RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!

CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!

HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.

FATHER: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.


HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music]

FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!

SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

FATHER: Shut up!

SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! Come this way!!!

LAUNCELOT: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more..........[sigh]

CONCORDE: Dramatically sir?

LAUNCELOT: Dramatically!!!! [crash] [Launcelot hovers on chandelier] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?

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Scene 18

[clop clop]

ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

CRONE: Who sent you?

ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Ni.

CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `Ni!'.

CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!

ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... Ni!

CRONE: No! Never! No shrubs!



ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'ni!'.


ARTHUR: No, no -- 'ni!'. You're not doing it properly.


ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.


ROGER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?

ARTHUR: Um, yes.

ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `ni' at will to old ladies. ... There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?

ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.


ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!

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Scene 19

ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.


HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.


HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.

ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?

HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

RANDOM: A path! A path! Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!

ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.

ARTHUR: What word?

HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

ARTHUR: What, `is'?

HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.

BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!

MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

ARTHUR: Oh, Robin!

ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!

ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering off-

ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.

HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!

ROBIN: I was looking for it.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.

ARTHUR: No, it is far from--

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!

ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!

ARTHUR: Patsy!

HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.

ALL: Yay! Yay!

NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.

ALL: Yay!

NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...

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Scene 20

ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
[various pyrotechnics]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?

TIM: I... am an enchanter.

ARTHUR: By what name are you known?

TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?

ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.

TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!

ARTHUR: You know my name?

TIM: I do. [whoosh] You seek the Holy Grail!

ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.

TIM: Quite.

[pweeng boom]


ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

KNIGHTS: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm.

ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.

KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.

BEDEVERE: We have been for some time.

ROBIN: Ages.

ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...

GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh-- [boom]

ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--

TIM: A what...?

ARTHUR: A g--, a g--

TIM: A Grail?!

ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.

KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.

TIM: Yes!

KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]

ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--

TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.

KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.

TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannorg -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedweer of Rheged [boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?

TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.

ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.

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Scene 21

[clop clop whinny]

GALAHAD: They're nervous sire

ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!

TIM: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!

ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.

GALAHAD: What with?

ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.

TIM: Too late!



TIM: There he is!

ARTHUR: Where?

TIM: There!

ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?

TIM: It is the rabbit!

ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!

TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!

GALAHAD: Get stuffed!!!

TIM: It'll do you up a treat, mate!

GALAHAD: Oh yeah??

ROBIN: You mangy Scot's git!

TIM: I'm warning you!

ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?

TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

TIM: Look!


BORS: Aaaugh!


ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!

TIM: I warned you!

ROBIN: I done it again!

TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always--

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!

TIM: --But do they listen to me?--

ARTHUR: Right!

TIM: -Oh, no--

KNIGHTS: Charge!

[squeak squeak]

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!

TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.

ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?

LAUNCELOT: Gawain...


ARTHUR: And Bors . That's five.

GALAHAD: Three, sir.

ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite.

ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

ARTHUR: Like what?

GALAHAD: Well,....

LAUNCELOT: Have we got bows?


LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work

LAUNCELOT: I know not my liege.

ARTHUR: Consult the book of armaments.

MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.

BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"

MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"


ALL: Amen.

ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!

GALAHAD: Three sir.

ARTHUR: Three!


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Scene 22

ARTHUR: There!! Look!!

LAUNCELOT: What does it say?

GALAHAD: What language is that?

ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!

MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!

GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!


ARTHUR: What does it say?

MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of uuggggggh'.


MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.

BEDEVERE: What is that?

MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!

MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.

ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!

MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!

GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?

MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.

LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.

ARTHUR: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh

BEDEVERE: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?

GALAHAD: Where's that?

BEDEVERE: France, I think.

LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?

ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.

SEVERAL: Iiiiives.

BEDEVERE: Oooohoohohooo!

LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.

BEDEVERE: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!

BEDEVERE: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!

ARTHUR: Ooooh!!



MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!

[Brother Maynard gets eaten]

ARTHUR: Run away!

ALL: Run away! Run away!


NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue.

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Scene 23

ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!

ROBIN: Oh, great.

ARTHUR: Look!! There's the old man from Scene 24!

BEDEVERE: What is he doing here?

ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions

ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--

GALAHAD: Three Questions

ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.

ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?

ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.

GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions?

ARTHUR: Sir Robin!


ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.

ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?

LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--

ARTHUR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions

ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.

LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.

ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.

KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.

LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.

KEEPER: What is your name?

LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.

KEEPER: What is your quest?

LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.

KEEPER: What is your favorite color?


KEEPER: Right. Off you go.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

ROBIN: That's easy!

KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.

ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.

KEEPER: What is your name?

ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.

KEEPER: What is your quest?

ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.

KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?

ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

KEEPER: Stop! What is your name?

GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.

KEEPER: What is your quest?

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.

KEEPER: What is your favorite color?

GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!

KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?

ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

KEEPER: What is your quest?

ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.

KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?

ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.

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Scene 24

ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!

BEDEVERE: Launcelot! Launcelot!

ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot!

BEDEVERE: Launcelot! Launcelot!

[angels singing]

ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!

GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time!

ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!

GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.

ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of God and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it!

GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!

ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.

GUARD: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kniggets! Thpppt!

ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!

BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege!

ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!

[troops gather from out of nowhere]

ARTHUR: French persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen. Charge!!!!

TROOPS: Charge!!!!!!!!!

[police arrive]

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.

INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.

OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one.

OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.

INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van.

OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.

BEDEVERE: With whom?

INSPECTOR: Which one?

OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.

INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.

OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.

OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.




OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!

OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!

OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.

OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.

INSPECTOR: Everything?


OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.



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