Monty Python and the Holy Grail Sounds
Scene 1 - Scene 6


DescriptionSize
Scene 1
Who goes there? It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!28K
Pull the other one!4K
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot.16K
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.10K
Where'd you get the coconut? We found them. Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! What do you mean? Well, this is a temperate zone.22K
Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? No, they'd have to have it on a line. Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!24K
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?8K
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all, they could be carried. What, a swallow carrying a coconut? It could grip it by the husk. It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple question of weight ratios. A 5 ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut48K
Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? Please! Am I right? I'm not interested!30K
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! But then of course African swallows are not migratory. Oh, yeah...24K
Scene 2
Bring out your dead!! Bring out your dead!!16K
Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.9K
I'm not dead!5K
he says he's not dead! Yes, he is. I'm not! He isn't? Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.13K
I'm getting better!!! No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment8K
I feel fine! Oh, do us a favor... I can't. Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.15K
I don't want to go on the cart!!! Ohh, don't be such a baby!!10K
You're not foolin' anyone you know5K
I feel happy!! I feel happy!! (thud)14K
Who's that then? I don't know. Must be a king. Why? He hasn't got shit all over him.16K
Scene 3
Old Woman! Man!!! Man, sorry9K
If there's ever going to be any progress....Dennis!!! There's some lovely filth down here11K
But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting13K
I'm 37, I'm not old!!7K
By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society17K
And how did you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers!!9K
Well I can't just call you 'man'. Well, you could say 'Dennis'. Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis. Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?16K
I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior16K
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. King of the who? The Britons!17K
That's what it's all about if only people would-- Please, please good people, I am in haste!!12K
By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--9K
No one lives there. Then who is your Lord? We don't have a lord10K
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!!6K
I didn't know we had a king, I thought we were an autonomous collective.9K
Well, 'ow did you become king then?5K
strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. 14K
I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!17K
Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!16K
I order you to be quiet!!!5K
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! 6K
King of the who??4K
Who are the Britains??4K
We're an anarchosyndaclist commune.6K
You're fooling yourself, we're living in a dictatorship8K
I am your King!! Well I didn't vote for you!!8K
That's what I'm on about4K
Bloody peasant!!!!!3K
Now we see the violence inherent in the system!!6K
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.16K
Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh?6K
The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!40K
Scene 4
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.8K
I'll bite your legs off!!5K
What are you going to do, bleed on me?5K
None shall pass.6K
'Tis but a scratch.Your arm's off!!! No it isn't11K
Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. Yes I have. Look! Just a flesh wound.16K
I move for no man!!11K
Come on you pansy!5K
Oh, I see, running away, eh?8K
All right, we'll call it a draw5K
Victory is mine!!4K
You're a looney!!3K
Chicken! Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop]13K
You yellow bastard!! Come back here and take what's coming to you!!12K
Scene 5
The Monks Chanting and Thwapping Themselves56K
Did you dress her up like this? No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. She has got a wart.20K
She Turned me into a newt. A Newt? I got better15K
what do you do with witches? Burn! Burn, burn them up! And what do you burn apart from witches? More witches! Wood! So, why do witches burn? [pause] B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? Good!48K
We have found a witch, may we burn her?6K
What also floats in water? Bread! Apples! Uh, very small rocks!16K
I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!!8K
They dressed me up like this. No we didn't! No! No! And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!14K
Well, we did do the nose. The nose? And the hat -- but she is a witch!11K
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? Build a bridge out of her!!13K
A duck! Exactly! So, logically... If she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood? And therefore? A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!47K
Right, remove the supports! [whop] [creak] A witch! A witch! It's a fair cop. Burn her! Burn her!32K
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor,who had nearly stood up to the viscious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.95K
Scene 6
And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. Oh, certainly, sir.28K
Camelot! Camelot!! Camelot!!! It's only a model. Shhhh!!14K
The Knights at Camelot singing the entire 'Knights of the Round Table' song155K
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot, it is a silly place9K