Cocktail Bar


NOTE: The 'Cocktail Bar' sketch was not performed on the 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' television series. It was done live in their stage shows and appeared on the 'Drury Lane' and 'Final Rip-Off' albums.




John: ...all the family into debt, except for her half-sister who is obsessed with Valadium and rigged the market made a cool 40 million paid off the Lord Mayor and put the lot into diesal powered nuns.

Terry: Which is where he went wrong, eh?

Michael: Exactly.

John: He hasnít killed himself yet

Terry: He hasnít?

John: No wait till April the 5th.

Michael: Some sort of tax dodge.

Graham: Good evening sir.

John: Evening Tom.

Terry: Evening Harry.

Michael: Evening Maurice.

Graham: Well what is to be sir?

John: Hey Mark?

Terry: Oh, one of your specials please Harry

John: One specials please son.

Graham: One special coming up.

John: Oh, I say, have you seen page eight? Nixonís had an asshole transplant.

Terry: Ohhh, have you seen the stop press then?

John: No.

Terry: The asshole has rejected him.

Graham: Er, Would you like a twist of lemming sir?

Terry: Oh... yes please Harry.

Graham: A bit more sir?

Terry: Just a squeeze.

Graham: There you are sir.

John: Alex what will you have?

Michael: Oh ahhh, Mallard Fizz for me please Maurice.

Graham: OK sir, one Mallard Fizz coming up.

Michael: Jolly good.

Terry: Heard about olí Don Barkly?

John: No.

Terry: Oh mind a cork, sold (voice is drowned out by a loud squawking bird) smart fellow always seems to do well.

(they continue to talk but their voices are being drowned out by the bird who continues to squawk very loudly making it difficult to hear what they are saying)

John: Well cheers than.

Michael: Cheers sir.

John: Ahh for me a Harlem Stinger please Tom.

Graham: OK sir. Rastus!

Rastus: Hey boss.

Graham: One Harlem Stinger.

Rastus: One Stinger coming right up. (the sound of someone gargling and the then it sound like Rastus throws up)

All: Cheers

Michael: All the best

(sounds like they drink their drinks and then spit them out in a fit of disgust)

John: Errr.. how much is that then Tom?

Graham: Ah, 1 pound and 40 p sir.

John: Would you care to join us?

Graham: Ohh, no thank you sir

John: There you are, keep the change well...

Graham: Thank you sir.

John: ...good health.

(John drinks his drinks and sounds like he is staggering all over the place and then throws up into a bowl)

Terry: Same again please Harry. Easy on the lemming Harry.

Graham: OK sir. There you are sir. Um same again for you sir?

Michael: Uh, just a small one Maurice.

Graham: OK sir.

Michael: Maurice...?

Graham: Yes sir.

Michael: You havnít got something a little less, ah, ducky have you?

Graham: What do you mean something without the mallard sir?

Michael: Uh-hum.

Graham: Ah, how about a dog turd and tonic?

Michael: Eugh!!!!!!