Live at Drury Lane - Secret Service


Interviewer (John Cleese): Ah Mr... Mr Leyton do come in. Please sit down and make yourself at home. Good, so you are interested in joining the secret service are you?

Mr Leyton (Eric Idle): Yes I am.

Interviewer: Splendid splendid, now in this branch we need alert, intelligent, active young men with good nerves. You have good nerves don't you?

Mr Leyton: Yes, I think so.

Interviewer: Good absolutely essential in the kind of work we do (sound of phone ringing) hello, ah yes Miss Jackson would you bring in Mr Leyton's file please, thank you. Sorry to keep you waiting, I'll just be one moment now. Ah there you are Miss Jackson thank you so much. Wait a moment, you're not Miss Jackson. Oh yes you are, good disguise Miss Jackson. Um one thing before you go what did you do with the big file that was on my desk here yesterday the one marked 'top secret' about all the nuclear nonsense

Miss Jackson (Graham Chapman): Ah yes, I gave it to that foreign-looking gentleman who called in yesterday sir.

Interviewer: (in a very loud voice) Do you play cricket? You're fired! (yells) You're fired! (in normal voice) Do you play cricket?

Mr Leyton: No, no, no I play tennis actually.

Interviewer: Tennis really, I use to play cricket. I remember on one occasion I was bowling to an ex county player actually, I gave him a half volley just outside the off stump, he put his left foot down the wicket, he hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn't have chance to move, ball hit me straight between the eyes. I gave him a half volley just outside the off stump, he put his left foot down the wicket, he hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn't have chance to move, ball hit... I'm so sorry um, where was I?

Mr Leyton: Bowling.

Interviewer: Bowling, that's right next ball I gave him a shorter faster one, he went on the back foot, he hit the ball back at me like a bullet didnít have chance to move, couldn't protect myself the ball over my head down to the sidescreen fielder ran round picked the ball up, threw it in I was watching the wicket keeper the ball landed right on the bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, last ball of the over I gave him a slower one, threw it right up in the air he came all the way down, he took the ball on the full toss, hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn't have chance to move, couldn't protect myself, ball hit me straight, smack, plumb between the eyes, course I was getting used to it by then. Now ah, where were we, where were we? Now languages, what languages do you speak? French?

Mr Leyton: Oui.

Interviewer: Good. Aaaahhh German? Sprechen sie deutsche?

Mr Leyton: Javoul mein herr (continues in unintelligible German)

Interviewer: Youíre not German are you?

Mr Leyton: No.

Interviewer: Good, fine, top hole, top hole. Now do you think you could take pain? You could stand up to physical torture?

Mr Leyton: Oh yes I hope so.

Interviewer: Good, good, cause I had five years in a Jap camp you know. Or was in Malaya? No no Japanese that was it. Got over it though, thank god hey, I should say so. (sound of banging) And now Mr Leyton tell me why do you want to join the secret, why do you want to join the secret, why do you want to join the secret, why do you want to join the secret why, why do you want to, why do you to, why do you want to (keeps speaking in a very silly voice and then screams) Why do you want to join the secret service?

Mr Leyton: Well I, I...

Interviewer: Why do you want to join the Secret Service?

Mr Leyton: Ah I thought it would be...

Interviewer: Why do you want to join the Secret Service?

Mr Leyton: Well...

Interviewer: Can you keep a secret?

Mr Leyton: Yes.

Interviewer: Good, well you're in then, well done, well done. Now, one small thing I noticed back here, where are we? Ah yes, your middle name Olbalinskavichski, not Russian are you?

Mr Leyton: Yes.

Interviewer: You are Russian?

Mr Leyton: Yes.

Interviewer: Well that's no good we don't want Russkies in the secret service, it wouldn't be secret, out you go then. Smith and Wesson .42 new revolving cotter-pin holster-fire, you know that when they bought that gun out (sound of a gunshot) in 1967 I think it was. One of the problems (pause) Miss Jackson would you make that just one coffee please? Thank you!!