The King and His Guards


FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

HERBERT: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!

HERBERT: But, Mother--

FATHER: Father, lad, Father.

HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.

HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--

FATHER: Rather what?!

HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT: But I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice...

HERBERT: Herbert.

FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

HERBERT: But I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something.

FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...

FATHER: Yes, what is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure...

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--

FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here...

GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else...

FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me...

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: Right?

GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The Prince?

FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

FATHER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

HERBERT: But, Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.