The Castle Anthrax Scene
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
ZOOT: Away away varletesses The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap]
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
ZOOT: No he isn't
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!
DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
DINGO: Oh, shit.
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.