The Castle Anthrax Scene


GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[Galahad falls]

ALL: Hello!

ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!

GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT: The what?

GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?

ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper!

MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!

ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--

ZOOT: Away away varletesses The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--

ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!

GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!

ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!

GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--

ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--

ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!

ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap]

PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD: They're doctors?!

ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.

GALAHAD: B-but--

ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art.

PIGLET: Try to relax.

GALAHAD: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

PIGLET: We must examine you.

GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!

PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.

GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your bed!

GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!

PIGLET: There's no grail here.

GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.

GALAHAD: Oh--

VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

GALAHAD: Zoot!

DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

DINGO: Where are you going?

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

DINGO: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!

GALAHAD: What is it?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.

DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!

GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.

LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD: Oh, hello.

LAUNCELOT: Quick!

GALAHAD: What?

LAUNCELOT: Quick!

GALAHAD: Why?

LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!

ZOOT: No he isn't

LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!

GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.

LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!

LAUNCELOT: Come on!

GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!

GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes, yes!

GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!

DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.

GIRLS: Yes, yes.

[boom]

DINGO: Oh, shit.

[outside]

LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.

GALAHAD: I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.

GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can

LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!

GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.

GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!

LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.