Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Holy Hand Grenade


KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!

TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.

ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?

LAUNCELOT: Gawain...

GALAHAD: Ector

ARTHUR: And Bors. That's five.

GALAHAD: Three, sir.

ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite.

ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

ARTHUR: Like what?

GALAHAD: Well...

LAUNCELOT: Have we got bows?

ARTHUR: No

LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work?

LAUNCELOT: I know not my liege.

ARTHUR: Consult the book of armaments.

MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.

BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"

MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"

MAYNARD: Amen.

ALL: Amen.

ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!

GALAHAD: Three sir.

ARTHUR: Three!

[angelic singing]

[boom]