The Knights of Ni Scenes


Part 1

[clop clop clop clop]

[eerie music]

HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!

ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: The same!

BEDEVERE: Who are they?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!

RANDOM: Nuu-wom!

ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!

HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'Ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: A what?

HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!

ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!

ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

ARTHUR: Yes.

HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!


Part 2


ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.

ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?

HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

RANDOM: A path! A path! Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please?

ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.

ARTHUR: What word?

HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

ARTHUR: What, `is'?

HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' We couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.

BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!

MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

ARTHUR: Oh, Robin!

ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!

ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering off...

ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.

HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!

ROBIN: I was looking for it.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.

ARTHUR: No, it is far from...

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!

ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!

ARTHUR: Patsy!

HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!