'Holy Grail' - Taunting Scene #1


ARTHUR: Halt! Hello! Hello!

GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?

ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!

ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR: What?

GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)

ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?

GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!

ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?

GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!

GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?

GUARD: Mind your own business!

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. Thppppt!

GALAHAD: What a strange person.

ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!

GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I fart in your general direction! . Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

GUARD: Fetche lavache!

GUARD: Quoi?

GUARD: Fetche lavache!

[moo!]

ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!

ALL: Charge!

[Knights charge]

GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!

[twang]

ALL: Run away!

GUARD: Thpppt!

[after running away...]

LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

ARTHUR: No no, no no!

BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan.

[later]
[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]

MUTTERING GUARDS: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[rumble rumble squeak]

ARTHUR: What happens now?

BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR: Who leaps out?

BEDEVERE: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....

ARTHUR: Oh....

BEDEVERE: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger...

[twang]

ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

[splat]

GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.