Big Nose and Stoning


JESUS CHRIST: How blest are those who know that He's a god. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.

RANDOM: [cough cough]

JESUS: They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God...

MANDY: Speak up!

MAN: Shh.

BRIAN: Quiet, Mum.

MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing.

MANDY: Let's go t' the stoning.

MR. BIG NOSE: Shh.

BRIAN: You can go to a stoning any time.

MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian.

MR. BIG NOSE: Will you be quiet?!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't pick your nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

MRS. BIG NOSE: You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

MR. CHEEKY: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

MR. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.

MR. BIG NOSE: Don't you swear at my wife.

MR. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!

MR. CHEEKY: Well, he has got a big nose.

GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please?

GREGORY: What was that?

MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'

MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

MR. CHEEKY: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.

MRS. GREGORY: Ohh.

MR. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'

BRIAN: Oh, lay off him.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

MR. BIG NOSE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Language!

MRS. BIG NOSE: And don't pick your nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!

MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY: The Greek?

MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY: Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE: You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE: I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE: Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

MR. CHEEKY: Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!

MAN #1 and

MAN #2: Shhh.

MR. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?

MR. BIG NOSE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.

MRS. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down.

[MR. BIG NOSE slugs MRS. GREGORY]

Oh!

[MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight]

GREGORY: Oh!

MRS. GREGORY: Awa?

MR. BIG NOSE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...

MRS. GREGORY: Ow!...

MR. BIG NOSE: Break it up-- oh. Oh!

MANDY: Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.

BRIAN: All right.

[music]

FRANCIS: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG: Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

BRIAN: All right.

MR. CHEEKY: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.


MANDY: Ohh, I hate wearing these beards.

BRIAN: Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum?

MANDY: It's written. That's why.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Pssst! Beard, madam?

DONKEY OWNER: Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no stonings. He's not well again.
[hee-haw hee-haw]

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Stones, sir?

MANDY: Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.

MANDY: Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and... a big flat one.

BRIAN: Could I have a flat one, Mum?

MANDY: Shh!

BRIAN: Sorry. Dad.

MANDY: Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.

MANDY: Hehh?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Local boy.

MANDY: Oh, good.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Enjoy yourselves.


CROWD OF WOMEN: [yelling]

JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.

MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'?

STONE HELPER #1: Yes.

MATTHIAS: Yes.

OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer...

CROWD: Ooooh!

OFFICIAL: ...you are to be stoned to death.

CROWD: Ahh!

MATTHIAS: Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!

OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!

WOMAN #1: Really!

[silence]

OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today?

CROWD: No. No. No. No...

OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--

[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]

MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we'd started.

OFFICIAL: Go to the back.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear.

OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!

OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself!

MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more... [MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]

Right. Who threw that?

MATTHIAS: [laughing]

[silence]

OFFICIAL: Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

OFFICIAL: Was it you?

MRS. A.: Yes.

OFFICIAL: Right!

MRS. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!

[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.