Biggles Dictates a Letter

(Cut to stock film of First World War fighter planes in a dog-fight. Heroic war music.)

Voice Over: (John Cleese) The Adventures of Biggles. Part one - 'Biggles Dictates a Letter'.

(Mix through to Biggles and secretary in an office.)

Biggles: (Graham Chapman) Miss Bladder, take a letter.

Secretary: (Nicki Howorth) Yes, Señor Biggles.

Biggles: Don't call me señor! I'm not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but never señor.

Secretary: Sorry.

Biggles: I've never even been to Spain.

Secretary: You went to Ibiza last year.

Biggles: That's still not grounds for calling me señor, or Don Beeg-les for that matter. Right, Dear King Haakon...

Secretary: Of Norway, is that?

Biggles: Just put down what I say.

Secretary: Do I put that down?

Biggles: Of course you don't put that down.

Secretary: Well what about that?

Biggles: Look. (she types) Don't put that down. Just put down - wait a mo - wait a mo. (puts on antlers) Now, when I've got these antlers on - when I've got these antlers on I am dictating and when I take them off (takes them off) I am not dictating.

Secretary: (types) I am not dictating.

Biggles: What? (She types. He puts the antlers on) Read that back.

Secretary: Dear King Haakon, I am not dictating. What?

Biggles: No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.

Secretary: I've had enough of this. I am not a courtesan. (moves round to front of the desk, sits on it and crosses her legs provocatively)

Biggles: Oh, oh, 'courtesan', oh aren't we grand. Harlot's not good enough for us eh? Paramour, concubine, fille de joie. That's what we are not. Well listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail, that's what you are.

Secretary: I am not, you demented fictional character.

Biggles: Algy says you are. He says you're no better than you should be.

Secretary: And how would he know?

Biggles: And just what do you mean by that? Are you calling my old fictional comrade-in-arms a fairy?

Secretary: Fairy! Poof's not good enough for Algy, is it? He's got to be a bleedin' fairy. Mincing old RAF queen. (sits at the desk)

Biggles: (into the intercom) Algy, I have to see you.

Algy: (Michael Palin) Right ho. (he enters) What ho everyone.

Biggles: Are you gay?

Algy: I should bally well say so, old fruit.

Biggles: Ugh! (he shoots him) Dear King Haakon... oh... (takes the antlers off) Dear King Haakon. (the secretary types) Just a line to thank you for the eels. Mary thought they were really scrummy, comma, so did I full stop. I've just heard that Algy was a poof, exclamation mark. What would Captain W. E. Johns have said, question mark. Sorry to mensch, but if you've finished with the lawn-edger could you pop it in the post. Love Biggles, Algy deceased and Ginger. Ginger! (puts the antlers on)

Secretary: What?

Biggles: Rhyming slang - ginger beer.

Secretary: Oh.

Biggles: (into the intercam) Ginger.

Ginger: (Terry Gilliam) Hello, sweetie.

Biggles: I have to see you.

(The door opens, Ginger enters as a terrible poof in camp flying gear, sequins, eye make-up, silver stars on his cheeks.)

Ginger: Yes, Biggles?

Biggles: Are you a poof

Ginger: (camp outrage) I should say not.

Biggles: Thank God for that. Good lad. (Ginger exits) Stout fellow, salt of the earth, backbone of England. Funny, he looks like a poof. (takes off the antlers) Dear Princess Margaret.

(Pantomime Princess Margaret enters from cupboard.)

Margaret: Hello.

Biggles: Get back in the cupboard you pantomimetic royal person. (she goes)

(Quick cut to a loony.)

Loony: Lemon curry?

(Cut back to Biggles.)

Biggles: Dear real Princess Margaret, thank you for the eels, full stop. They were absolutely delicious and unmistakably regal, full stop. Sorry to mensch but if you've finished with the hairdryer could you pop it in the post? Yours fictionally Biggles, Oh, P.S. see you at the Saxe-Coburgs canasta evening. (puts the antlers on) That should puzzle her.

Secretary: (sexily) Si Señor Biggles.

Biggles: Silence, naughty lady of the night!

(Bring up heroic music and mix through to stock film of fighter planes in dog-fight.)

Voice Over: Next week part two - 'Biggles Flies Undone'.

(Then a very noisy and violent animation sketch.)

Continue to the next sketch... Climbing the North Face of Uxbridge Road