Camel Spotting / Train Spotting

(In the country we see an Interviewer, with microphone. Behind him a man sits on a wall, with clip-board, binoculars and spotting gear.)

Interviewer (John Cleese): Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.

Spotter (Eric Idle): Hello Peter.

Interviewer: Now tell me, what exactly are you doing?

Spotter: Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel spotting book.

Interviewer: Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far?

Spotter: Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one.

Interviewer: Nearly one?

Spotter: Er, call it none.

Interviewer: Fine. And er how long have you been here?

Spotter: Three years.

Interviewer: So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels?

Spotter: Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that of course I was a Yeti Spotter.

Interviewer: A Yeti Spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.

Spotter: Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all.

Interviewer: And have you seen them all?

Spotter: Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them.

Interviewer: Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?

Spotter: Er, I take its number.

Interviewer: Camels don't have numbers.

Spotter: Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.

Interviewer: What?

Spotter: Ah - of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book.

Interviewer: Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary?

Spotter: Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.

Interviewer: Mr Sopwith, aren't you in fact a Train Spotter?

Spotter: What?

Interviewer: Don't you in fact spot trains?

Spotter: Oh, you're no fun anymore.

(ANIMATION: Then a girl in bed. Count Dracula enters. The girl reveals her neck. The vampire goes to kiss her but his fangs fall out.)

Girl: Oh, you're no fun anymore.

(A man at the yardarm being lashed.)

Lasher:... thirty-nine... forty. All right, cut him down, Mr Fuller.

Lashee: Oh you're no fun anymore.

(Back to camel spotter.)

Spotter: Now look, if anybody else pinches my phrase I'll throw them under a camel.

Interviewer: (giggling) If you can spot one.

(Spotter gives him a dirty look. Knight in armour appears beside him. He hits interviewer with chicken.)

Continue to the next sketch... The Audit