Stake Your Claim

Game Show Host (John Cleese): Good evening and welcome to 'Stake Your Claim'. First this evening we have with us Mr Norman Voles of Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's works. Mr Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote all those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?

Voles (Michael Palin): That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.

Host: Mr Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?

Voles: 43.

Host: Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?

Voles: Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.

Host: Ah!

Voles: There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!

Host: Mr Voles, thank you very much for coming along.

Voles: My pleasure.

Host: Next we have Mr Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj Mahal.

Wymiss (Eric Idle): No.

Host: I'm sorry?

Wymiss: No. No.

Host: I thought you cla...

Wymiss: Well I did but I can see I won't last a minute with you.

Host: Next...

Wymiss: I was right!

Host: ... we have Mrs Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla... Mrs Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?

Mittelschmerz (Graham Chapman): That I can burrow through an elephant.

Host: (Pause) Now you've changed your claim, haven't you. You know we haven't got an elephant.

Mittelschmerz: (Insincerely) Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!

Host: You're not fooling anybody, Mrs Mittelschmerz. In your letter you quite clearly claimed that... er ... you could be thrown off the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be buried.

Mittelschmerz: No, you can't read my writing.

Host: It's typed.

Mittelschmerz: It says 'elephant'.

Host: Mrs Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I'm not prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!

Mittelschmerz: Here, no, leave me alone!

(Sound of wind and sea).

Mittelschmerz: Oooaaahh! (SPLOSH)