'Face the Press'

(Cut to studio: interviewer in chair. Superimposed Caption on screen: 'FACE THE PRESS')

Interviewer (Eric Idle): Hello. Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs (cut to minister completely in drag and a moustache) who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace. (soft fashion-parade music starts to play in background) The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street. The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids. And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing. (cut back to interviewer) Good evening. Minister, may I put the first question to you? In your plan, 'A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that you would build 88,000 million billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?

Minister (Graham Chapman): No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways. Firstly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine. You see housing is a problem really...

(Cut back to the interviewer. The minister is heard droning on in the background The soft fashion-parade music starts again.)

Interviewer: Well, while the minister is answering this question I'd just like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over three hundred pieces of Arabian shot silk (at this point we can hear the minister's high-pitched whine beneath the fashion music) especially created for the minister by Vargar's of Paris. The low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure. Well I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join the discussion. Thank you very much minister. Today saw the appointment of a new head of...

Minister: Don't I say any more?

Interviewer: No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command - Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forster. He's in our Birmingham studio.

(Cut to close-up on what appears to be a monitor with Sir Vincent on it in outrageous drag, heavy lipstick, big bust etc. - Draped on a chaise-longue. A small black boy is fanning him.)

Sir Vincent: Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what. The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola.

(As he talks we zoom out quickly from the set to reveal it is not a monitor in the studio but a TV set in a G-plan type sitting room. A housewife (Mrs Pinnet) sits watching, wearing an apron and a scarf and with her hair in curlers.)

Continue to the next sketch... The New Cooker Sketch