Ideal Loon Exhibition

(Cut to stock film of people queuing at an exhibition hall.)

Voice Over: Well it may be the end of that, but it's certainly far from the end of- well in fact it's the beginning - well not quite the beginning - well certainly nearer the beginning than the end - well yes damn it, it is to all intents and purposes the beginning of this year's Ideal Loon Exhibition, sponsored by the 'Daily Express'. (cut to interior of hall, people poun'ng through the doors; above their head~ it says 'Ideal Loon Exhibition) Numbskulls and boobies from all over the country have been arriving to go through their strange paces before a large paying crowd. This is the fifteenth Ideal Loon Exhibition and we took a good look round after it was opened by its patron ... (quick flash Edward Heath opening something) There's Kevin Bruce the digger duffer from down-under, who's ranked fourteenth in the world's silly positions league... (Kevin is in a roped-off exhibition area; with a number in front of him; people are walking past looking at him with programmes; he is dressed in Australian bush gear and he is leaning his forehead against a goldfish bowl on a four-foot-six plinth) This kind of incoherent behaviour is really beginning to catch on down-under. There's Norman Kirby from New Zealand, whose speciality is standing behind a screen with a lady with no clothes on ... (again in an exhibition stand with a number in front; there is a screen which is higher than their heads, but it is cut off at knee height so you can see two pairs of legs, one female, totally bare, one male wearing some enormous boots, no socks) In real life, Norman is a gynaecologist, but this is his lunch hour. And from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths. (on the stand five men dressed in Breton berets, striped French shim, silly moustaches, with baguettes; in unison they make the silly sign, counting the while 'un, deux, trois) They do this over four hundred times a day. Nobody knows why. But for sheer pointless behaviour you've got to admire Brian Broomers, the batfling British boy who for two weeks has been suspended over a tin of condemned veal. (quite a crowd watch this; again a roped-off exhibit, Brian is suspended from the ceilling by two car tyres; he lies there smoking a pipe; underneath him there is a small opened tin, with 'veal' on the side) Always popular with the crowd, is the Scotsman with Nae Trews exhibit, and this year's no exception. (a very large man dressed as a Scotsman in front of a sign saying 'Scotsman with Nae Trews Exhibit, Sponsored by Natural Gas'; an enormously long line of middle-aged pepperpots stand waiting in a queue; eath in turn lifts up a comer of Scotsman's kilt, has a tiny peek and walks off) Sponsored by Natural Gas and Glasgow City Council, this exhibit is entirely supported by voluntary contributions. But for a truly magnificent waste of time you've got to go no further than the exhibit from Italy - Italian priests in custard, discussing vital matters of the day. (four Italian priests standing up to their chests in a large vat of custard; in front of them it says 'Italian Priests in custard'; they are animatedly discussing vital matters; hung behind them is a sign saying 'Italy, Land of Custard) These lads from a seminary near Cremona, have been practising for well over a year. As always one of the great attractions of this fourteen-day exhibition is the display of counter-marching given by the Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites of the Colwyn Bay Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites Club. (a dozen people in blazers, flannels and white pumps are vigorously counter-marching, whilst Souza's Star Spangled Banner blares out; they are holding various items of plumbing, lengths of piping, a toilet, a bidet, a bath, back scrubbers, loofahs, shower attachments, hand basins, etc.) An interesting point about these boys is they all have one thing in common. Hip injuries. Not far away the crowds are flocking to see a member of the famous Royal Canadian Mounted Geese. (cut to pantomime goose on homeback) But the climax of the whole event is the judging.

(Cut to a sort of Miss World cat-walk. A judge appears holding number 41. A band plays 'A pretty girl is like a melody'.)

PA Announcement: Mr Justice Burke. (the judge walks down, turns slightly at the edge of the stage, puts a knee forward and makes a cheesecake smile) Well that's the last, and let's just see those last six once again. (the judge on the stage is joined by five others in full judicial robes, with wigs, each holding a number) And the winner is - number 41, Mr Justice Burke.

(The winner reacts by bursting into tears. The others look rather sad. Cut to a still picture of Mr Justice Burke in bed having breakfast the next morning. He is still wearing his robes and wig but he has a sceptre and a terrible tiara crown on. This picture is in black and white and is large on the front page of a newspaper. The headline is Justice seen to be done'. A subheading says 'British Justice Triumphs'. This newspaper page takes us off into a couple of minutes of animation.)

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