Kilimanjaro Expedition (Double Vision)

(Scene: Large study with maps and photographs on the wall and a large desk at which sits Sir George Head.)

Sir (John Cleese): Next please.

(Arthur walks into the room and up to the desk.)

Sir: (looking up) One at a time please.

Arthur (Eric Idle): There is only me, sir.

Sir: (putting a hand over one eye) So there is. Take a um...

Arthur: Seat?

Sir: Seat! Take a seat. So! (looking over to Arthur's right) You want to join my mountaineering expedition do you? (keeps looking off to right)

Arthur: (rather uncertain) Me, sir?

Sir: Yes.

Arthur: Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.

Sir: Jolly good, jolly good. (he ticks the sheet and then looks straight at Arthur) And how about you?

Arthur: There is only me, sir.

Sir: (putting hand over eye and looking both at Arthur and to his right) Well bang goes his application then. (he tears up form) Now let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.

Arthur: I thought there was only one peak, sir.

Sir: (getting up, putting one hand over one eye again and going to large map of Africa on wall and peering at it at point-blank range) Well, that'll save a bit of time. Well done. Now the object of this expedition is to see if we can find any traces of last year's expedition.

Arthur: Last year's expedition?

Sir: Yes, my brother was leading that, they were going to build a bridge between the two peaks. (looks at map with one hand over eye) My idea I'm afraid. Now, I ought to tell you that I have practically everyone that I need for this expedition, so what special qualifications do you have?

Arthur: Well, sir...

Sir: Yes, you first.

Arthur: There is only me, sir.

Sir: (to Arthur's right) I wasn't talking to you. (to Arthur) Carry on.

Arthur: Well sir, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.

Sir: Mountaineer? Mountaineer (looks it up in the dictionary) where the devil are they, mound, mount... mountain... a mountaineer: 'two men skilled in climbing mountains'. Jolly good, well you're in. Congratulations, both of you. Well, er, what are your names?

Arthur: Arthur Wilson.

Sir: Arthur Wilson, right well look, I'll call you (to Arthur) Arthur Wilson one, and you (to Arthur's right) Arthur Wilson two, just to avoid confusion.

Arthur: Are you actually leading this expedition sir?

Sir: Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.

Arthur: And what routes will you both be taking?

Sir: Good questions... shall I? Well we'll be leaving on January 22nd and taking the following routes. (goes over to large map, clearly labelled Surrey) The A23s through Purleys down onto the main roads near Purbrights avoiding Leatherheads and then taking the A231s entering Rottingdeans from the North. From Rottingdeans we go through Africa to Nairobis. We take the South road out of Nairobis for about twelve miles and then ask.

Arthur: Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?

Sir: Oh, yes I think most of them do down there.

Arthur: No, does anyone in our party speak Swahili sir?

Sir: Oh, well Matron's got a smattering.

Arthur: Apart from the two Matrons ...

Sir: Good God, I'd forgotten about her.

Arthur: Apart from them, who else is coming on the expedition, sir?

Sir: Well we've got the Arthur Brown twins, two botanists called Machin, the William Johnston brothers...

Arthur: Two of them?

Sir: No four of them, a pair of identical twins ... and a couple of the Ken Spinoza quads - the other two pulled out. And of course you two.

Arthur: And none of these are mountaineers?

Sir: Well you two are, and we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blenkinsop... because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. (opens door) Jimmy? (Jimmy walks in wearing full climbing gear) I don't believe you've met. Jimmy Blenkinsop - Arthur Wilson, Arthur Wilson - Jimmy Blenkinsop... Arthur Wilson two - James Blenkinsop one, James Blenkinsop one - Arthur Wilson two. Carry on Jimmies.

Jimmy (Graham Chapman): (to Arthur, reassuring him) Don't worry about the er ... (puts hand over eye) We'll get him up somehow. (Jimmy proceeds to walk round the room clambering over every single piece of available furniture. He doesn't stop talking. Causing a complete wreckage, he clambers over the desk, onto a bookcase and round the room knocking furniture over, meanwhile he is saying..) Now the approach to Kilimanjaro is quite simply over the foothills, and then we go on after that to ... ohh... to set a base camp, somewhere in the region of the bottom of the glacier when...(Jimmy staggers out headlong through the door. There are loud crashing noises)

Sir: He'll be leading the first assault.

Arthur: Well I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition sir, as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.

(Arthur gets up and walks out slamming the door.)

Sir: Oh dear. (pause - look over at other? Arthur) Well how about you?

Arthur: (sitting in chair at other angle of desk) Well I'm game, sir.

(Cut back to two sirs, double image, split screen.)

Sir: So are we.

Continue to the next sketch... Homicidal Barber