The News for Parrots / The News for Gibbons / Today in Parliament / The News for Wombats

Parrot: And parrots started to announce television programmes. It's 8 o'clock and time for the News.

First Announcer (Michael Palin): Good evening. Here is the news for Parrots:

No parrots were involved in an accident on the M-1 today when a Lorry carrying High-octane fuel was in collison with a bollard. That's a BOLLARD and *NOT* a PARROT. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved. The Minister of Technology (photo of minister with parrot on his shoulder) today met the three Russian leaders (cut to photograph of 3 Russian men in a group and each with a parrot on his shoulder) to discuss a 4 million pound airliner deal....None of them went in the cage, or swung on the little wooden trapeze or ate any of the nice millet seed. Yum, Yum.

That's the end of the news, now our program for parrots continues with Part 3 of 'A Tale of Two Cities', specially adapted for parrots by Joey-Boy. The story so far, Dr. Manette is in England after eighteen years (as he speaks French Revolution type music creeps in under his words) in the Bastille. His daughter Lucy awaits her lover Charles Darney, who we have just learned is in fact the nephew of the Marquis de St Evremond, whose cruelty had placed Manette in the Bastille. Darney arrives to find Lucy tending her aged father.

(Superimposed caption: 'LONDON 1793' Music reaches a climax and we mix slowly through to an eighteenth-century living room. Lucy is nursing her father. Some low music continues over. Suddenly the door bursts open and Charles Darnay enters.)

Darnay: (in parrot voice) 'Allo, 'allo.

Lucy: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.

Old Man: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.

Darnay: Who's a pretty boy, then?

Lucy: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.

(And more of the same. Cut back to the narrator.)

First Announcer: And while that's going on, here is the news for gibbons. No gibbons were involved... (fade out)

Voice Over (Terry Jones): And while that's going on, here from Westminster is a parliamentary report for Humans.

Second Announcer (Eric Idle): In the debate, a spokesman accused the goverment of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in the spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he had ever been naughty with a choir boy. Angry shouts of 'What about the Watermelon then?' were ordered then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut up and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government, a front-bench spokesman said the Agricultural Tariff WOULD have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Whats more he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a lot of fun to him, his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the Dachsund were very happy. And in any case he argued Rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?

(Cut back to First Announcer. Caption: '7 Hours Later')

First Announcer: ...were not involved.

The Minister of Technology (cut to photograph of minister with a wombat on his shoulder) met the three Russian leaders (Russian leaders again all with wornbats on their shoulders) today to discuss a 4 million pound airliner deal....none of them were indigenous to Australia, carried their babies in pouches, or ate any of those yummy Eucalyptus leaves..Yum Yum. Thats the news for Attila the Bun.

(Cut to animated sequence)

Continue to the next sketch... The Idiot in Society