Police Station (Silly Voices)

(Sketch opens in a police station.)

First Sergeant (John Cleese): (behind station counter into camera) Goodnight.

(Camera pulls back to show a man standing in front of the counter.)

Man (Terry Jones): Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.

First Sergeant: Speak up please, sir.

Man: I wish to report a burglary.

First Sergeant: I can't hear you, sir.

Man: (bellowing) I wish to report a burglary!

First Sergeant: That's a little bit too loud sir. Can you say it just a little less loud than that?

Man: (a little louder than normal) I wish to report a burglary.

First Sergeant: No, I'm still not getting anything. Uh, could you try it in a higher register?

Man: What do you mean in a higher register?

First Sergeant: What?

Man: (in a high-pitched voice) I wish to report a burglary.

First Sergeant: Ahl That's it, hang on a moment. (gets out pencil and paper) Now a little bit louder.

Man: (louder and more high-pitched) I wish to report a burglary.

First Sergeant: Report a what?

Man: (by now a ridiculously high-pitched squeak) Burglary!

First Sergeant: That's the exact frequency, now keep it there.

(Another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter.)

Second Sergeant (Graham Chapman): (in high-pitched voice) Hello, sarge!

First Sergeant: (in very deep voice) Evening Charlie.

(The second sergeant is taking his coat off, and the first one begins to pack up his papers. The man carries on with his tale of woe, but still in a high-pitched shriek.)

Man: I was sitting at home with a friend of mine from Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom. We went to investigate and found £5,000 stolen.

First Sergeant: Well, I'm afraid I'm going off duty now sir. Er, could you tell First Sergeant Foster? (He leaves counter First Sergeant Foster comes forward with a helpful smile)

Man: (continues in high-pitched shriek) I was sitting at home with a friend of mine...

Second Sergeant: Excuse me sir, but, er, why the funny voice?

Man: (normal voice) Oh, terribly sorry. I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.

Second Sergeant: I'm terribly sorry, I can't hear you, sir, could you try speaking in a lower register?

Man: What! Oh (in a very deep voice) I wish to report the loss of £5,000.

Second Sergeant: £5,000.? That's serious, you'd better speak to the Detective Inspector.

(At that moment, via the miracle of cueing, the detective inspector comes out of his office.)

Inspector (Eric): (in very slow deep voice) What's the trouble, sergeant?

Second Sergeant: (speaking at fantastic speed) Well-this-gentleman-sir-has- just-come-in-to-report-that-he-was-sitting-at-home-with-a-friend-when -he -heard -a-noise-in-the-backroom-went-round-to-investigate-and-found-that-£5,000-in-savings-had-been-stolen.

Inspector: (deep voice) I see. (turns to man and addresses him in normal voice) Where do you live sir?

Man: (normal voice) 121, Halliwell Road, Dulwich, SE21

(The detective inspector has been straining to hear but has failed. The second sergeant comes in helpfu1ly)

Second Sergeant: (fast) 121, Halliwell-Road-Dulwich-SE21

Inspector: (squeak) Another Halliwell Road job eh, sergeant?

First Sergeant: (fast) Yes-I-can't-believe-it-I-thought-the-bloke-who'd- done -that-was-put-inside -last-year.

Second Sergeant: (squeak) Yes, in Parkhurst.

First Sergeant: (deep) Well it must have been somebody else.

Inspector: (very deep) Thank you, sergeant. (normal voice to man) We'll get things moving right away, sir. (he picks up phone and dials, at the same time he shrieks in high voice to the tint sergeant) You take over here, sergeant (very deep voice to the second sergeant) Alert all squad cars in the area. (ridiculous sing-song voice into phone) Ha-allo Dar-ling, I'm afra-ID I sh-A-ll BE L-ate H-O-me this evening.

(Meanwhile the second sergeant has a radio-controlled microphone and is singing down it in fine operatic tenor.)

Second Sergeant: (singing) Calling all squad cars in the area...

(Cut to vox pops.)

Lovely Girl: (in deep male voice, dubbed on) I think that's in very bad taste.

Pig: (meows)

Giraffe: (barks)

President Nixon: (superimposed sheep bleating)

Upperclass Twit: Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way.

Continue to the next sketch... Upperclass Twit of the Year