Schoolboys Life Assurance Company

(Cut to a headmaster's study.)

Headmaster (Michael Palin): Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door; it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right, it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.

Stebbins (Eric Idle): It was Tidwell's idea, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Stebbins: Thank you, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop. I made it quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that clear, Balderston?

Balderston (Terry Gilliam): Yes, sir.

Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a 'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exeat form from Mr Dibley.

Balderston: Sorry, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble with her... er... with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit of attention, Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence) Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want you to come along and have a look at the wife.

Tidwell (Terry Jones): Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a gynaecologist.

Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!

Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a gynaecologist?

Stebbins: (very reluctantly) Yes, sir.

Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?

Stebbins: (muttering into his shoes) Thirty guineas, sir.

Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!

Continue to the next sketch... How to Rid the World of All Known Diseases