Spot the Looney

(Fade it out as camera in studio pans down to the presenter.)

Presenter (Eric Idle): And welcome to 'Spot the Loony', where once again we invite you to come with us all over the world to meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and ask you to . .. Spot the Loony!

(crescendo of music)


Presenter: Our panel this evening... Gurt Svensson, the Swedish mammal abuser and part-time radiator.

(Cut to Svensson. He is standing on his head on the desk with his legs crossed in a yoga position. He wears a loincloth and high-heeled shoes. He talks through a megaphone which is strapped to his head.)

Svensson: Good evening.

(Cut back to the presenter.)

Presenter: Dame Elsie Occluded, historian, wit, bon viveur, and rear half of the Johnson brothers...

(Cut to another section of the panel's desk. Dame Elsie. Her bottom half is encased in the side of a block of concrete which is also on top of the desk. Dame Elsie is thus parallel to the ground. She has fairy wings on her back, a striped t-shirt, flying gloves, goggles and a green wig.)

Dame Elsie: Good evening.

(Cut back to the presenter.)

Presenter: And Miles Yellowbird, up high in banana tree, the golfer and inventor of Catholicism.

(Cut to final section of the desk. A man dressed as a rabbit, with a megaphone strapped to one eye.)

Miles: Good evening.

Presenter: And we'll be inviting them to... Spot the Loony. (a phone rings on the desk; he picks it up) Yes? Quite right ... A viewer from Preston there who's pointed out correctly that the entire panel are loonies. Five points to Preston there, and on to our first piece of film. It's about mountaineering and remember you have to... Spot the Loony!

(Cut to a shot of a mountain. Very impressive stirring music.)

Voice Over: The legendary south face of Ben Medhui, dark ... forbidding...

(In the middle distance are two bushes a few yards apart. At this point a loony dressed in a long Roman toga, with tam o'shanter, holding a cricket bat, runs from one bush to the other. Loud buzz. The film freezes. Pull out pore screen to reveal the freeze frame of the film with the loony in the middle bush on the screen immediately behind the presenter. The presenter is on the phone.)

Presenter: Yes, well done, Mrs Nesbitt of York, spotted the loony in 1.8 seconds. (cut to stock fiilm of Women's Institute applauding) On to our second round, and it's photo time. We're going to invite you to look at photographs of Tony Jacklin, Anthony Barber, Edgar Allan Poe, Katy Boyle, Reginald Maudling, and a loony. All you have to do is ... Spot the Loony! (cut to a photo of Anthony Barber; the buzzer goes immediately) No ... I must ask you please not to ring in until you've seen all the photos.

(Back to the photo sequence and music. Each photo is on the screen for only two seconds, and in between each there is a click as of a slide projector changing or even the sound of the shutter of a camera. The photos show in sequence: Anthony Barber, Katy Boyle, Edgar Allan Poe, a loony head and shoulders. He has ping-pong ball eyes, several teeth blocked out, a fright wig and his chest is bare but across it is written 'A Loony', Reginald Maudling, Tony Jacklin. A buzzer sounds.)

Presenter: Yes, you're right. The answer was, of course, number two! (cut to stock film of Women's Institute applauding) I'm afraid there's been an error in our computer. The correct answer should of course have been number four, and not Katy Boyle. Katy Boyle is not a loony, she is a television personality. (fanfare as for historical pageant; a historical-looking shield comes up on screen) And now it's time for 'Spot the Loony, historical adaptation'. (historical music) And this time it's the thrilling medieval romance 'Ivanoe'... a stirring story of love and war, violence and chivalry, set midst the pageantry and splendour of thirteenth-century England. All you have to do is, 'Spot the Loony'.


(Cut to a butcher shop. A loony stands in the middle (this is the same loony from 'Silly Election' with enormous trousers and arms inside them and green fright wig). Another loony in a long vest down to his knees with a little frilly tutu starting at the knees and bare feet is dancing with a side of beef also wearing a tutu. Another loony in oilskins with waders and sou 'water ard fairy wings is flying across the top of picture. Another man dressed us a bee is standing on the counter. Another loony is dressed as a carrot leaning against the counter going: 'pretty boy, pretty boy'. A cocophony of noise. We see this sight for approximately five seconds. Fantastic loud buzzes.)

Presenter: Yes, well done, Mrs L of Leicester, Mrs B of Buxton and Mrs G of Gotwick, the loony was of course the writer, Sir Walter Scott.

(Cut to Sir Walter Scott in his study.)


Scott: (looking through his papers indignantly) I didn't write that! Sounds more like Dickens...

(Cut to Dickens at work in his study. He looks up.)


Dickens: You bastard!

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