The Undertaker's Sketch
UNDERTAKER: (Graham Chapman) Morning!
MAN: (John Cleese) Ah, good morning.
UNDERTAKER: What can I do for you, squire?
M: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. Um, you see, my mother has just died.
U: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.
M: (aghast) What?
U: Well there are three things we can do with your mother. We can burn her, bury her, or dump her.
M: Dump her?
U: Dump her in the Thames.
M: (still aghast) What?
U: Oh, did you like her?
U: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: We can bury her or burn her?
M: Well, um, which would you recommend?
U: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then we give you a handful of the ashes, which you can pretend were hers.
M: (timidly) Oh.
U: Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils and nasty maggots, which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
M: I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
U: Where is she?
M: She's in this sack.
U: Let's 'ave a look.
(sound of bag opening)
U: She looks quite young.
M: Yes, she was.
U: (over his shoulder) Fred!
F: (Eric Idle, offstage) Yea!
U: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!
F: (offstage) I'll get the oven on!
M: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting eating my mother?
U: Yeah. Not raw, cooked!
U:Roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...
M: Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
M: Can we have some parsnips?
U: (calling) Fred - get some parsnips.
M: I really don't think I should.
U: Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.
Continue to the next sketch... Court Scene - Multiple Murderer