The Undertaker's Sketch


MAN: (entering a shop) Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker's?

UNDERTAKER: (Graham) Yup, that's right, what can I do for you, squire?

M: (John) Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died and I'm not quite sure what I should do.

U: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.

M: (aghast) Stiffs?

U: Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

M: Dump her?

U: Dump her in the Thames.

M: (still aghast) What?

U: Oh, did you like her?

M: Yes!

U: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: burn her, or bury her?

M: Um, well, um, which would you recommend?

U: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.

M: (timidly) Oh.

U: Or, if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.

M: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead.

U: Where is she?

M: In the sack.

U: Let's 'ave a look.

(FX: rustle of bag opening)

U: Umm, she looks quite young.

M: Yes, she was.

U: (over his shoulder) FRED!

F: (Eric) (offstage) Yea!

U: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!

F: (offstage) I'll get the oven on!

M: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting we should eat my mother?

(pause)

U: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook her. She'd be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of broccoli and stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips)

M: What?!?! (he stammers)

(pause)

M: Actually, I do feel a bit peckish - No! NO, I can't!

U: Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.

M: All right.