The Visitors

(Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting and soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.)

Victor (Graham Chapman): Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?

Iris (Carol Cleveland): Oh no, not at all.

Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.

Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?

Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you.

Iris: Oh Victor.

Victor: It's silly isn't it?

Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.

Victor: No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to...

Iris: Oh, oh Victor.

Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell rings) Who can that be?

Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.

Victor: Yes I will, I will.

(Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.)

Arthur (Eric Idle): Hello!

Victor: Hello?

Arthur: Remember me?

Victor: No I'm...

Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?

Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid.

Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.

Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.

Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?

Victor: Really?

Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?

Victor: Er, no, actually.

Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.

Victor: I beg your pardon?

Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)

Victor: Look, look, we put that on.

Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?

Victor: I beg your pardon?

Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Liberty Bell March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.

(The doorbell rings again.)

Victor: Who the hell...

Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.

Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.

Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!

(He opens the door; Mr and Mrs Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.)

Brian (John Cleese): Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.

Audrey (Terry Jones): Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the...

Brian: Who's that then?

Victor: What?

Brian: Who's the bird?

Victor: I'm...

Brian: You got a nice pair there haven't you love? (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.

Victor: Now look here...

Brian: Big gin please.

Arthur: I'll get it.

Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.

Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.

Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!

Audrey: I only want three cans.

Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)

Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha!!

Brian: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?

(The doorbell rings again)

Victor: Who the hell's that?

Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.

Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.

(In walks Mr Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.)

Mr Freight (Terry Gilliam): Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.

Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of creme de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy. Ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)

Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.

Mr Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.

Brian: Is he sexy then?

(In walks Mr Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.)

Mr Cook (Michael Palin): I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.

Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.

Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)

Brian: Blimey, she don't go much do she?

(He sits in chair which collapses.)

Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em

Mr Cook: The goat's just done a bundle.

(A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.)

Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out!

Brian: I beg your pardon?

Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.

Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong.

All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...

Continue to the next sketch... Bank Robber in Lingerie Shop