(A stock shot of a jet landing which they always use to introduce 'Whicker's World'. This leads us into Whicker Island - a tropical island paradise where all the inhabitants have Alan Whicker suits, glasses and microphones.)
CAPTION: 'WHICKER'S WORLD'
(Various Whickers pace past the camera.)
First Whicker: Today we look at a vanishing race. A problem people who are fast disappearing off the face of the earth.
Second Whicker: A race who one might say are losing a winning battle.
Third Whicker: They live in a sunshine paradise, a Caribbean dream, where only reality is missing.
Fourth Whicker: For this is Whicker Island.
Fifth Whicker: An island inhabited entirely by ex-international interviewers in pursuit of the impossible dream.
First Whicker: The whole problem of Whicker Island is here in a nutshell.
Second Whicker: There are just too many Whickers.
Third Whicker: The light-weight suits.
Fourth Whicker: The old school tie.
Fifth Whicker: The practised voice of the seasoned campaigner.
First Whicker: Cannot hide the basic tragedy here.
Second Whicker: There just aren't enough rich people left to interview.
(Cut to a different location.)
Third Whicker: You can't teach an old dog new tricks and so (turning to a swimming pool with lots of Whickers around it, wandering with stick mikes and tnuttering) you find them...
Fourth Whicker: (seated by swimming pool) Sitting beside elegant swimming pools...
Fifth Whicker: (seated at drinks table, with sun umbrella) ... sipping Martinis...
First Whicker: (standing by the pool) .. and waiting for the inevitable interview.
Second Whicker: (standing fully clothed in the pool) I talked to the island's only white man, Father Pierre.
(Cut to a different location. Feeling of heat. The third Whicker stands beside a priest in a white robe.)
Third Whicker: Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari-land where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls of whisky wash away the worries of a world-weary Whicker, where gin and tonic jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning With J - Father Pierre, why did you stay on here?
Father Pierre: (putting on a pair of Whicker-style glasses) Well mainly for the interviews.
Fifth Whicker: Well there you have it, a crumbling...
First Whicker: ... empire in the sun-drenched...
Second Whicker: Caribbean, where the cliches sparkle on the waters...
Third Whicker: ... like the music of repeat fees...
First Whicker: And so...
Fifth Whicker: ... from Whicker Island...
First Whicker: ... it's...
Second Whicker: ... fare...
Third Whicker: ... well and...
Fourth Whicker: ... bon...
Fifth Whicker: . .. voy...
First Whicker: ... age.
(Cut to film of Whicker plane taking off. Roll credits, which read:)
WHICKER'S WORLD WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY
JOHN CLEESE WHICKER
GRAHAM WHICKER CHAPMAN
ALAN MICHAEL PALIN WHICKER
ERIC WHICKER WH1CKER IDLE
TERRY TERRY WHICKER ALAN GILLIAM
CONNIE WHICKER BOOTH
RITA WHICKER DAVIES
NIGEL WHICKER JONES
FRANK WILLIAMS AS THE BOY WHICKER
MAKE UP ALAN WHICKER AND MADELAINE GAFFNEY
ALAN WHICKER COSTUMES HAZEL PETHIG
ANIMATIONS BY TERRY WHICKER GILLIAM
MR WHICKER KINDLY PHOTOGRAPHED ON FILM BY ALAN FEATHERSTONE
EDITED ON FILM BY RAY MILLICHOPE
MR WHICKER'S SOUND BY ALAN WHICKER, ALAN WHICKER AND RICHARD CHUBB
MR WHICKER WAS ENTIRELY LIT BY JIMMY PURDIE (ASSISTED BY ALAN WHICKER)
MR WHICKER WAS DESIGNED BY ROBERT BERK
PRODUCED BY ALAN WHICKER OH, AND IAN MCNAUGHTON
A BBC WHICKER COLOUR PRODUCTION
Continue to the next sketch... Emigration From Surbiton to Hounslow