Monty Python Sounds from Sketches
[A-B]


DescriptionSize
The Aftershave Sketch     (View the script)
A fishy requisite-te-te-te-te-te9K
Good morning! Morning sir. Good morning, I'd like some aftershave please. Certainly sir, walk this way please. If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need aftershave.20K
Agatha Christie Sketch     (View the script)
This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?112K
Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme -to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head) Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger. Tiger? (jumping) Where? Where?55K
What body? Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the room body. Take the tablets Tiger. Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody.52K
Look, there hasn't been a murder. No murder? No. Oh. I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait.25K
Albatross!!     (View the script)
Do you get wafers with it? Of course you don't get F**king wafers with it, it's a f**king albatross16K
Albatross!!!!5K
The All-England 'Summarize Proust Competition'     (View the script)
And Harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing? Well, strangling animals, golf and masturbating.18K
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits.34K
The Architect Sketch     (View the script)
The tenents arrive here, in the entrance hall, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes towards the rotating knives26K
Uhh, uhhh, are you proposing to slaughter our tenents? Does that not fit in with your plans?13K
Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage.17K
You sit there on your loathesome spotty behinds, squeezing blackheads and not caring a tinkers cuss for the struggling artist, you excrement!!21K
You whining hypocritical toadies!!!7K
The Argument Clinic     (View the script)
Is this the right room for an argument?5K
Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!!10K
Shut your festering gob, you tit.Your type makes me puke you vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert17K
Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a 5 minute argument or the full half-hour?10K
Oh, look, this is futile. No it isn't. Look, I came here for a good argument. No you didn't, no, you came here for an argument!13K
Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes!14K
If I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't!'. Yes it is! No it isn't!15K
It's 'Being Hit on the Head' lessons in here. What a stupid concept!8K
Army Protection Racket     (View the script)
I'd like to leave the army please, sir. Good heavens man, why? It's dangerous.13K
So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.6K
Watkins are you a pacifist? No sir, l'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.11K
Watkins why did you join the army? For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir.11K
You've ... you've got a nice army base here, Colonel. Yes. We wouldn't want anything to happen to it. 18K
Paratroops, Dino. Be a shame if someone was to set fire to them.12K
Art Critic - the Place of the Nude     (View the script)
I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed, umm, in the history of my bed, of art, art!! Sorry. The place of the nude in the history of tart, call-girl, sorry!35K
The Audit     (View the script)
I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of twelve million Canadian dollars, plus a refund of seven and a half million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch, and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the three and three quarter million to the directors' reserve currency account of seven and a half million, plus an upward expenditure margin of eleven and a half thousand lira, due to a rise in capital investment of ten million pounds, this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling. 59K
I am the Chairman of a multi-million pound corporation and you are a very new chartered Accountant. Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake? Well that's very kind of you sir, but I don't think I'm ready to be Chairman yet.27K
Yes, has tax been paid on it? Yes, this is after tax. Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax. Five pence of a further sixpence?(eagerly) Yes sir. Five pence of a further sixpence? That's right sir. Then where is the other penny? That makes you a penny short Wilkins. Where is it? ... Erm. Wilkins? (in tears) I embezzled it sir. What all of it? Yes all of it. You naughty person.70K
Oh, you're no fun anymore!11K
Australian Table Wines     (View the script)
8 bottles of this, and you're really finished -- at the opening of the Sydney Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour.17K
specially grown for those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.17K
The Bank Robber/Lingerie Sketch     (View the script)
Good morning, I am a bank robber. Please don't panic, just hand over all the money. Uhh, this is a lingerie shop sir.19K
Fine, fine. Well, just a pair of panties then please.11K
Being Eaten by a Crocodile     (View the script)
When those teeth bite into your flesh, use the purchase to thrust yourself down his throat.15K
It's his blend of gymnastic know-how, reptilian expertise and culinary skill that's turned many an unappetizing novice into a crocadilic banquet20K
But nothing is predictable in this tough, harsh, highly competitive world, where today's champion is tomorrow's crocodile shit17K
Biggles Dictates a Letter     (View the script)
No No No No you loopy brothel inmate!!11K
Listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail!12K
He's got to be a bleeding fairy5K
Are you gay? I should bally well say so, old fruit.8K
Blackmail     (View the script)
So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of your LOVER IN BOULTON! 27K
so Mr S. that's 3,000 pounds please to stop us from revealing: Your name, The name of the three other people involved, The youth organization to which they belonged, and The shop where you bought the equipment!31K
It's alright, we don't morally censor you, we just want the money.9K
The Bookshop Sketch     (View the script)
I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...volume eight.24K
How about "A Sale of Two Titties"? Definitely Not!9K
No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farbury Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!!37K
The expurgated version. The EXPURGATED version of 'Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds'?!?!?!?!? The one without the gannet! The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the gannet!! It's a Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the books!!! Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests.38K
Any others? The nuthatch? Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO gannets, NO robins, NO nuthatches, THERE's your book! I can't buy that! It's torn!25K
The Bruces Sketch     (View the script)
Good evening ladies and Bruces5K
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart, 'I drink therefore I am'11K
Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules. Rule 1: No poofdas!!13K
Rule 2: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all...if there's anybody watching17K
Rule 3: No poofdas!!6K
Rule 4: I don't want to catch anybody not drinking12K
Rule 5: No poofdas!!6K
Rule 6: There is NO Rule 6!!10K
Rule 7: No poofdas!! Right, that concludes the reading of the rules Bruce11K
Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!6K
The Complete Bruces Philosophy Song127K
Burglar/Encyclopaedia Salesman     (View the script)
Yes? Burglar, madam. What do you want? I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.15K
Are you an encydopaedia salesman? No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people. I think you're an encyclopaedia salesman. Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please. If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.28K
I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly. Promise. No encyclopaedias? 12K