| Description | Size |
|---|
| Gavin Millarrrrrrrrrr (View the script) |
| The clarity is devestating, but where is the ambiguity? Over there, in a box | 11K |
| But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No, there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight | 12K |
| What indeed is the point? | 4K |
| Gestures to Indicate Pauses in Televised Talk (View the script) |
| We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating | 13K |
| Gumby Brain Specialist (View the script) |
| <CRASH> My brain hurts!!! | 11K |
| My brain hurts too. | 5K |
| Hell's Grannies (View the script) |
| I've heard of unisex, but I've never had it | 7K |
| Hospital Run by RSM (View the script) |
| I've got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I do most of the heavy work | 23K |
| Do all the patients work? No, no, the ones that are really ill do sport. | 13K |
| We've every facility here for dealing with people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can drain private accounts and in the worst cases we can perform a total cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the patient. | 32K |
| How Not To Be Seen (View the script) |
| How not to be seen | 5K |
| In this picture there are 47 people. None of them can be seen | 15K |
| Mrs Smegma, will you stand up please? | 8K |
| Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of 'Not Being Seen', not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. [boom] | 31K |
| The Hungarian Phrasebook (View the script) |
| My hovercraft is full of eels | 7K |
| Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy? | 13K |
| Ah. You have beautiful thighs. | 7K |
| I will not buy this record, it is scratched | 10K |
| I will not buy this Tobacconist's, it is scratched | 14K |
| My nipples explode with delight | 6K |
| Please fondle my buttocks(The Hungarian) | 11K |
| Please fondle my bum (The Prosecutor) | 8K |
| Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait 'til lunchtime | 9K |
| If I said you had a beautiful
body would you hold it against me? | 16K |
| I am no longer infected | 6K |
| May I please ask for an adjournment M'lord? An adjournment, certainly not! <Huge Fart> Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment? I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase M'lord | 43K |
| The Idiot in Society (View the script) |
| Arthur takes idiotting seriously. He is up at six o'clock every morning working on special training equipment designed to keep him silly. | 19K |
| Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here. What kind of money is there in idioting? Well nowadays a really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten thousand pounds a year - if he's the head of some big industrial combine. | 31K |
| I'm a completely self-taught idiot. | 6K |
| How about his relationship with women? Well I may be an idiot but I'm no fool. | 12K |
| Interesting People (View the script) |
| She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water. By herself? No, I fling her. | 16K |
| I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat!! | 13K |
| Interview With Sir Edward Ross (View the script) |
| Eddie Baby, when you first started in the... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'. What? I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'. Get on with the interview | 22K |
| I didn't really call you 'Eddie Baby', did I, sweetie? | 7K |
| Can I call you 'sugar plum'? No. 'Pussycat'? No! 'Angel drawers'? No you may not! | 17K |
| It All Happened on the 11:20 From Hainault (View the script) |
| Don't be a fool! Don't do it! | 5K |
| Damn!! Alright, I confess, I did it! | 8K |
| Johann Gambolputty (View the script) |
| The ENTIRE name of Johnann Gambolputty (etc) | 50K |
| Ken Shabby (View the script) |
| Oh yeah ... you know... get 'em when they're young eh... eh! | 10K |
| I just want to make sure that you'll be able to look after my daughter... Oh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all right sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh! | 25K |
| What job do you do? I clean out public lavatories. Is there promotion involved? Oh yeah, yeah. After five years they give me a brush | 36K |
| And when do you expect to get married? Oh, right away sport. Right away... you know... I haven't had it for weeks! | 17K |
| Language Laboratory (View the script) |
| Now look here, your bloody pusillanimous behavior makes me vomit!!! | 11K |
| The Lifeboat Sketch (Cannibalism) (View the script) |
| How long is it? That's rather a personal question sir! | 8K |
| Why don't you want to eat me? I'd rather eat Johnson sir. So would I sir. | 10K |
| What's the matter with Johnson sir? Well, he's not kosher. That depends how we kill him sir. | 12K |
| I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me! | 5K |
| The Logician (View the script) |
| I call it crap, and it gets me very irritated | 12K |
| This is of course, pure BullShit! | 7K |
| God, you turn me on when you're angry you ancient brute! | 9K |
| 'You don't love me any more,' she will
now often postulate. 'If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for my orgasms.' | 29K |
| 'F**k supper!' I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt. | 34K |
| The Lumberjack Sketch (View the script) |
| I always wanted to be a lumberjack!!! | 12K |
| I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. | 14K |
| I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day | 15K |
| I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars | 14K |
| Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites! | 11K |
| The ENTIRE song (2 minutes and 47 seconds long) | 407K |
| The Man Who is Alternately Rude and Polite (View the script) |
| Per pound, you slimy trollop, what kind of a ponce are you? | 9K |
| 'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah poofta. | 8K |
| What is it now you great pillock? | 6K |
| Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty stuck-up twit! | 10K |
| The Man Who Speaks in Anagrams (View the script) |
| If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off! | 6K |
| The Man With Three Buttocks (View the script) |
| And now for something completely different, a man with 3 buttocks | 11K |
| Marilyn Monroe (View the script) |
| Well, we, we, dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and uh.... Can she still act? Well, well, she, she still has this, this enormous, uh, uh, a kind of indefinable, uh, no! | 37K |
| Was decomposition a problem? We did have to put her in the fridge between takes. | 12K |
| Carl, you're an effeminite little poof! A mincing gay-bar loiterer! A winnet covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys! | 20K |
| The Medical Love Song (View the script) |
| Inflammation of the foreskin, reminds me of your smile | 19K |
| You gave me scrotal pustules, with a quick flick of your wrist | 17K |
| My heart is very tender, though my parts are awful raw, you might have been infected, but you never were a bore | 34K |
| Michelangelo and the Pope (View the script) |
| I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid! Bloody fascist! | 29K |
| That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples! Too many? Well, of course it's too many! | 16K |
| That's the problem. What is? The disciples. Are they too Jewish? | 15K |
| Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo? What kangaroo? No problem, I'll paint him out. I never saw a kangaroo! Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. | 27K |
| Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ! One?! Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it? | 43K |
| Molluscs - Live TV Documentary (View the script) |
| Disgusting! But more interesting. Oh yes | 8K |
| The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. | 39K |
| The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind. This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacean, this mincing mollusc, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick. | 42K |
| It's so boring. Well ... it's not much of a subject is it? | 8K |
| The mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of you know what. | 15K |
| Mosquito Hunters (View the script) |
| Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. | 12K |
| The mosquito's a clever little bastard. You can track him for days and days until you really get to know him like a friend. He knows you're there, and you know he's there. It's a game of wits. You hate him, then you respect him, then you kill him. | 34K |
| Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt. Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter to lure it away from the flowers, and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter and attacks it with air-to-air missiles. A lot of people have asked us why we don't use fly spray. Well, where's the sport in that? | 52K |
| Mr. and Mrs. Git (View the script) |
| This is a Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. | 7K |
| Bring them round for tea tomorrow. It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage. | 32K |
| Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion... (View the script) |
| I just spent 4 hours burying the cat | 10K |
| We're going to have our budgie put down. Really? Is it very old? No. We just don't like it. | 15K |
| 'Course, Mrs Essence flushed hers down the loo. Ooh! No! You shouldn't do that - no that's dangerous. Yes, they breed in the
sewers, and eventually you get evil-smelling flocks of huge soiled budgies flying out of people's
lavatories infringing their personal freedom. | 45K |
| Told you so!! Oh, coitus!! | 9K |
